my starving heart

well
today will make it 2 whole years since i was last able to say 
"yes, i am in a relationship"

in the between time, 

i've searched, 

flirted, 

dated,

 talked, 

and mingled with so many different people

and despite my efforts, it almost always turn to dust in the same manner:

"old loves come back to reignite the flame they used to share"

 so i take my leave

"we are at two different stages in life where a relationship would be too problematic"

 so, i continue on my search

or the most popular,

 "because i don't seem willing enough to engage into ANYTHING physical from the very start (including kissing)"

then i am considered a prude or boring and simply left alone. 

no calls, no messages, absolutely nothing.

i buy new clothes

wear makeup differently

cut my hair

smile when i want to cry

laugh when nothing is funny

and care when they're still just strangers

i honestly don't know what else to do or where else to go

i just need to feed my starving heart

because every night that passes and i can't hear the words "goodnight babe"

or feel someone wrap their arms around me for no reason at all

or tell someone how happy they make me feel

i die a little inside

maybe as humans we need to love and be loved in order to survive

or maybe i'm just giving myself too much credit

i don't care

i just need a taste of what its like to know someone else gives a damn whether you're crying or laughing

it wouldn't even mater if i had a day or a decade 

anything that can let me know that i'm not alone and that i can find someone who makes me truly happy and can feed my heart the love it so dreadfully craves....

 just might save my soul

Pretty Girls Don't Cry

The lies I tell

The truth that hides

The hate I feel

The tears I've cried

The fear I have 

The cut that bleeds

The crave that burns

To fulfill my needs

The darkness fills

The open door

The cycle begins

The sorrow pours

You don't know how and you don't know why,

But in the light, pretty girls don't cry

They close the doors and walk away

Only hearing what the demons say

They try to shout but no one hears

Only emptiness to dry their tears

You don't know how and you don't know why,

But in the light, pretty girls don't cry

Her friendly smile

The hugs she gives

Never knowing

The secret life she live

The distant mom

The dead-beat dad

The family love

She never had

The faith holding on

The bond that ties

The pain it brings

The connection dies

You don't know how and you don't know why,

But in the light pretty girls don't cry

She hides her tears and dries her eyes

Her secret pain builds by and by

There is no hope

There's nothing there

Only lonliness and her despair

You don't know how and you don't know why,

But in the light pretty girls don't cry

The words that read

The tales we speak

The depression rising 

To its peak

The rain that falls

The thunder crashing

This agony

So everlasting

The love we want 

The hate we feel

Emotions erupt

This life so real

You don't know how and you don't know why,

But in the light, pretty girls don't cry

We bottle up and crumble in

Pray to God to forgive ours sins

We're so confused

Completely lost

To be pretty

At whatever cost

You don't know how and you don't know why,

But in the light pretty girls don't cry

The shadow builds

Our lives a hell

The truth that hides

The lies we tell

The Day I Die

First born into this world

So unaware and still asleep

When you awake, you cry

Trying to force yourself dead again

But when you die, sorrow fills the room

Why?

You die only to be born again

A cycle you can’t escape

Trapped into a circle of despair

Happiness is brought only to be taken away

Trying to out-do the sadness that left

And we humans try so desperately to stop it

We as humans will never understand

The day I die 

I am born again