My aunt died yesterday

I feel so strange because i spoke to her twice that morning and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. And then to watch my grandmother cry about it and get a bit hysterical broke my heart. I couldn't cry in front of her, so i held it all in. For 6 hours. My father and she left a little while ago to Columbus, OH. My mother already spoke of all the errands and favors she wants me to do for her while they're away. Not one person asked how i was doing with all of this. I'm not particularly close with anyone in my family, but they just acted completely dismissed at the notion that maybe i could be feeling something from this sudden loss. I've been trying to be strong and not let it get to me so hard. I didn't want to talk about it openly on facebook or anything, so i'm acting as normal as i can. Commenting and pushing such a harsh reality to the back of my mind. But i feel so fucking weird and mad at myself. When i hung up the phone after speaking to her, i wanted to say "i love you" but hesitated and lost the opportunity. In my house, no one says it. Only my mother and i, and we're always the ones to say it first to the other members of our family. I' sure i've told my friends "i love you" more times in a week than i do the the members of my own household in a year. And the only reason why i don't say it is because when i do, it sounds so phony and out of place. It simply not said in the house. Ever. Likes its taboo. But i want to. And i wish i had with my aunt. She was the only daughter my grandmother had. 1 girl, 3 boys; my father being the youngest. I'm not 100% certain on the details of what happened, but what i've gathered from all the phone calls was that she started vomitting so she told her son to call for the ambulance (she had A LOT of various health issues going on at once) so he did and they came and took her away. Then my older cousin (that i call my aunt because of her age) tried to call the house to speak with her. Archie (my cousin, and deceased aunt's only child) told her what happened. She asked why didn't he go with his mother, and all he said was "i don't know". So she calls the hospital and they asked for her to come down to the ER. She gets there but they wouldn't let her see my aunt. The nurse sat her down and gave her the news. As far as they knew, her heart just stopped beating. They said they would find out more after the autopsy. My grandmother was the first person she called to notify our family that my aunt is dead. Above anything else, im worried about my cousin Archie. Last summer he had come over a really bad drug problem and his father has been put in a home for years now because of his physical and mental health. Who will he stay with? how will he cope? what's going to happen now?

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