my starving heart

well
today will make it 2 whole years since i was last able to say 
"yes, i am in a relationship"

in the between time, 

i've searched, 

flirted, 

dated,

 talked, 

and mingled with so many different people

and despite my efforts, it almost always turn to dust in the same manner:

"old loves come back to reignite the flame they used to share"

 so i take my leave

"we are at two different stages in life where a relationship would be too problematic"

 so, i continue on my search

or the most popular,

 "because i don't seem willing enough to engage into ANYTHING physical from the very start (including kissing)"

then i am considered a prude or boring and simply left alone. 

no calls, no messages, absolutely nothing.

i buy new clothes

wear makeup differently

cut my hair

smile when i want to cry

laugh when nothing is funny

and care when they're still just strangers

i honestly don't know what else to do or where else to go

i just need to feed my starving heart

because every night that passes and i can't hear the words "goodnight babe"

or feel someone wrap their arms around me for no reason at all

or tell someone how happy they make me feel

i die a little inside

maybe as humans we need to love and be loved in order to survive

or maybe i'm just giving myself too much credit

i don't care

i just need a taste of what its like to know someone else gives a damn whether you're crying or laughing

it wouldn't even mater if i had a day or a decade 

anything that can let me know that i'm not alone and that i can find someone who makes me truly happy and can feed my heart the love it so dreadfully craves....

 just might save my soul

Pretty Girls Don't Cry

The lies I tell

The truth that hides

The hate I feel

The tears I've cried

The fear I have 

The cut that bleeds

The crave that burns

To fulfill my needs

The darkness fills

The open door

The cycle begins

The sorrow pours

You don't know how and you don't know why,

But in the light, pretty girls don't cry

They close the doors and walk away

Only hearing what the demons say

They try to shout but no one hears

Only emptiness to dry their tears

You don't know how and you don't know why,

But in the light, pretty girls don't cry

Her friendly smile

The hugs she gives

Never knowing

The secret life she live

The distant mom

The dead-beat dad

The family love

She never had

The faith holding on

The bond that ties

The pain it brings

The connection dies

You don't know how and you don't know why,

But in the light pretty girls don't cry

She hides her tears and dries her eyes

Her secret pain builds by and by

There is no hope

There's nothing there

Only lonliness and her despair

You don't know how and you don't know why,

But in the light pretty girls don't cry

The words that read

The tales we speak

The depression rising 

To its peak

The rain that falls

The thunder crashing

This agony

So everlasting

The love we want 

The hate we feel

Emotions erupt

This life so real

You don't know how and you don't know why,

But in the light, pretty girls don't cry

We bottle up and crumble in

Pray to God to forgive ours sins

We're so confused

Completely lost

To be pretty

At whatever cost

You don't know how and you don't know why,

But in the light pretty girls don't cry

The shadow builds

Our lives a hell

The truth that hides

The lies we tell

The Day I Die

First born into this world

So unaware and still asleep

When you awake, you cry

Trying to force yourself dead again

But when you die, sorrow fills the room

Why?

You die only to be born again

A cycle you can’t escape

Trapped into a circle of despair

Happiness is brought only to be taken away

Trying to out-do the sadness that left

And we humans try so desperately to stop it

We as humans will never understand

The day I die 

I am born again

If You Only Knew

When you smile at me

My heart melts

When you walk in to the room

I lose my breath

When you talk to me

My words can never come together right

When you ingore me

I want you more

When our eyes meet

I feel lost and in the right place

All at once

But this is all you give me

Leaving me

Everyday

Wanting more

... ... .... ... .... ... .... ..... .... .... ... ... ... ...

Will there ever be a day

When I can hold your hand

And touch you the way I've wanted to for so long

When I can embrace you

And call you mine; and I'll be yous

When I can finally show you 

How I've been feeling

Tell you all the things

I've been itching to say

Can we ever be together?

... ... ... ... ... ... .... ... ... ... ... ... ... .... ..

Damn

If you only knew..........

If only

Watch Me Bleed

cut me up

watch me bleed

hold me

until i turn cold

let your tears fall

much like the hope i once carried in my heart

cut me up

trace old scars

make me new again

taste my blood

eat my life

i am no longer worthy of it 

cut me up

and watch me disappear

from the world

again

i.want.to.be.her

she looks around

she feels she is alone

she rolls up her sleeve

and finds a space between the scars

she's crying

with the razor shaking in her hands

she draws another line

the blood slowly trickles out of her skin

she can breathe again

she adjusts her clothes

and faces the world

smiling

Outcast

when you've lived in the shadows for too long
you forget what the light looks like
you feel lost and unawarestuck in a corner with no one to help you get up, back on your feet
you try all you can to get out, but no one will have you
you're dirty
you're diseased
you're worthless
you're shit
as you scratch your way out, you fallin even further
the way your insides turn and twist you want to be dead
to some, you already are
to others; they never knew your name
rock bottom is never low enough
when you've lived in the shadows for too long
the emptiness swallows you
the darkness loves you
everything else rejects you
your own soul abandons you
and then you suffocate
and die alone
an outcast

Beach Love

he woke up and slipped out of bed

threw on the same jeans as the night before, 

brushed his teeth,

and headed out the door

with the breeze in his hair and the sun on his back, he walks towards the beach

he lays in the sand for some time

his thoughts moving like the ocean's waves

seagulls in the air

the sun on his face

sand in between his toes

he is daydreaming

the tide is high

the water is crashing against the rocks

a thought is sparked in his mind

he races back home

he runs to the lovely thing still laying in his bed

he kisses her gently

and whispers

"i love you"

Moon Rising part 2

and she sees herself
her name is Luna
and she says "Hello"
with no reply she turns to face her friend
the willow tree
who in turns brushes the side of her face with its branches
the river's flow begins to slow
after some time, it stops
it wasn't until dawn when she saw that the river was nearly dry
the crickets when to bed
the moon has left
the flowers in full bloom
but their smell is dull
almost rotten
she touches the willow tree
there is no pulse
the leaves turn color
and drift away in the wind
clouds cover the sky
blocking out the light from the sun
the grass wilts
her world is dying before her
she takes a small piece of bark from her nearly dead friend
and gently glides it across her wrist
she sits with her back to the trunk
and digs a small hole in the ground
she finds a root
and spills her blood
the sky turns blue
the river flows
the flowers are sweet
the tree is strong
and she
Luna
dies
as the willow gently brushes the side of her face
and it says
"Goodbye"

Moon Rising part 1

as she sleeps below the willow tree
the wind blows
the river gently flows
the leaves sway
and touch her face barley grazing her skin
she stirs slightly and then returns to her tranquil state
the crickets chirp a lullaby to keep the others resting peacefully
she is one with nature
nature is one with her
the earth is cool with the night's breeze
the flowers bloom in their unconsciousness
their smell slowing catching in the wind
she awakens from her slumber
the stars wink at her through the branches and leaves of her dear friend
she stares into the sky as the moon rises
and she sees herself
her name is Luna
and she says "Hello"

to taste a lover

it’s that time, eyes meet telling a story only we understand

take your hand, pull you close, lips meet over a soulful glance

arms embrace, kisses on your neck beneath your chin

finger tips caress your hips, collar bone is where my tongue begins

travels south, kiss your navel, bite gently where your thigh meets your hips

warm scent arouses, sweet, anxious to taste your grace upon my lips

unable to resist, my eyes disappear over the horizons

drips from my chin, tongue kisses, heaven is what I'm in

a place where my lips lose track of time, ever so focused

hands grip tight, pull you closer....tongue deeper ...scent so potent

go ahead, grab my head...lets me know you like what’s happening

plus aggression and passion, has you close to satisfaction

reacting off my actions, counteracting to feelings active

have your mind, and soul and body simultaneously climaxing....

Stall Sanctuary

she walks into the bathroom
and locks the door
look under the stall doors 
make sure that there is no one else
find a clean toilet
and kneel before it
because it is God
it has the power 
to catch all the bad things she ate
and get rid of it all together
never to be seen of thought of again
she takes a deep breath
closes her eyes
and shoves a finger as far back into her mouth as possible
a few gags and coughs later
it all comes pouring out
good thing she left the faucet running
helps drown out the sounds
ten minutes later
she's back on her feet
she washes her hands
and rinses her mouth with mouthwash from her purse
one last look in the mirror
she rehearses a fake smile
and walks out the door
thinking to herself
"nothing tastes as good as thin feels"

Melancholy

melancholy is a place i've been
she welcomes me into her arms again
melancholy is a boy i know
he withers my flowers before they grow
melancholy is where I livewhere I can't have what I would give
melancholy is what i breathe
to my lungs, it fills, poisons and leaves
melancholy is in my eyes
it shows the world the times i've cried
melancholy is in my soul
a violent storm, an endless hole melancholy I call my home
forever here, I'll forever roam

as freedom is a breakfast food

by ee cummings

as freedom is a breakfast food
or truth can live with right and wrong
or molehills are from mountains made
-long enough and just so long
will being pay the rent of seam
and genius please the talent gang
and water most encourage flame

as hatracks into peach trees grow
or hopes dance best on bald men's hair
and every finger is a toe
and any courage is a fear
-long enough and just so long
will the impure think all things pure
and hornets wail by children stung

or as the seeing are the blind
and robins never welcome spring
nor flat folk prove their world is round
nor dingsters die at break of dong
and common's rare and millstones float
-long enough and just so long
tomorrow will not be too late

worms are the words but joy's the voice
down shall go which and up come who
breasts will be breasts and thighs will be thighs
deeds cannot dream what dreams can do
-time is a tree (this life one leaf)
but love is the sky and I am for you
just so long and long enough

my favorite line in this whole poem is "time is a tree (this life one leaf)"
so deep
because a tree, like time is always growing longer and forever moving forward
and life is exactly like a leaf
in the spring, we are born
in the summer, we are fruitful and at the prime of our lives
in the fall, we become wrinkled and turn old
in the winter, we die and wither away
perfect words

What Am I?

do you see me? 

can you hear me?

i feel so lost and unaware

a part of me wants to care and yet....

there is a small bit of comfort in it all

or maybe just an idea of comfort

am i for real?

or am i just fooling myself again?

......................................

..............................

.....................

...........

.....

..

.

hello?

Temptation

Speaking to you, has my mind intrigued

The mysteries, slowly unraveled...kinda hard to believe

All this time....amazing...hidden from my plain sight

Words you spoke like switches, flipping on my minds light

Usually not one to buckle, not one to believe the hype

Yet the sincerity in your tone, so relieving, felt so right

So open I became, easy,cause you spoke to my very soul

And though simplistic in it's nature, it's depth was an ocean,whole

Sharing felt so easy, like I was meant to share with you

Like this moment was written previously, forseen, like de ja vu

Greatful to have gotten the chance, hope I wasn't to strange

Or way beyond the normal scope, of questions within it's range

As u spoke I pondered thoughts, I probably shouldn't have

I pondered deep and intimate, mind wandered really into it

Pick you up, take you to a place you've never been

Return you safe, awake and take you somewhere new again

Find out what you like, and cherish it like it was gold

Treat you like a queen, mind, body and soul 

Give you what you ask, what you want and what you need

Help you chase your dreams, or simply help you plant the seed

Provide and care, show you how real love can be

How two adults can succeed, in life so happily....

Yet.....

I know that's not where I am, or will probably ever be

Just the talk itself, in a way, reavealed so much to me

So I sit and write, hope that we talk again at some point soon

And hope interest in finding out more of one another does ensue....

Promises

I’m sure to be there

You can count on me

I’ll meet you there

No, I’m not with her

You are my only one

I won’t make that mistake again

I’ll try to do better

It was just on time

It was just one kiss

We’ll always be together

It won’t hurt

Best friends forever

I love you

Untitled 1

All I ask is why me?

What is it that you see?

You kissed me today

And I was stunned to say

That I liked it and I wanted more

But you are not the one I chose to adore

Why me?

What could all of this mean?

I close my eyes and see yours, so round and green

When we hug, I feel our hearts beat together

Then my mind races, what could be better?

To leave him & to be with you?

But what if what my heart is telling me isn’t rue?

Why me?

I look at you, straight in your eyes

And I feel so small and shy

Sometimes I look at you and my worlds begins to fade

Until I realize that I’m staring so I blink then turn away

But all I ask is why me?

Please tell me what it is that you see

Pretty Blue

Why is the sky so high up?

Is that why birds are so free?

Who decided to put it up there?

And make it pretty blue?

Why is wind invisible?

Does it want to be the same color as the sky?

Why did they teach us colors in school?

And say it makes the world a prettier place?

I don’t feel pretty

For I am the shadow in the corner

The girl without a name

I just sit and watch everyone else talk and laugh

With their clothes, coordinate and bright

Their jewelery like expensive glitter

Their sneakers, fresh and new

Their contacts forest green and pretty blue

Like the sky

And I am the wind

I want to be the same color as the sky

And feel so high up too

Be free

But I just blow away

Dream Endlessly

What is love, but an endless dream?

One that pops up at all the wrong moments

During a big game

During Sunday service

During a movie

During a final exam

What is love, but an endless dream?

One that corrupts you mind and controls you body

It tells you when to sleep

It tells you what to feel

It tell you when eat

It tells you when to breathe

What is love, but an endless dream?

One that haunts you in the night

You try to sleep, but mind is awake

You try to close your eyes, but you imagination is open

You try to relax, but you emotions are tense

You try to remain motionless, but your heart won’t be still

What is love, but an endless dream?

One that is a dream come true

When I am in the presence

Of you